Frustration

It's been a long time since I'm really feeling frustrated. This time it's because of the graduation trip that may or may not take place. At first, all of us wanted to go to Redang since it's very famous in Malaysia and a lot of us have not gone to that place before.

But then, no one is willing to take charge of the trip. None of us went to the Matta Fair where we could get a lower price. No one does anything until last week. I told my mother about the trip that we wanted to go but no one's taking charge and my mum told me her friend knows a resort owner in Cherating.

Then, I tried to ask my mother to get some info on Cherating so that we could at least have a back up if the redang trip fails. I told a few friends about this Cherating resort and they seemed interested. Next thing I know, another friend managed to ask her friend who's working in tourism about the redang trip.

So, I asked my mother not to ask around bout the Cherating trip anymore. Then, she told me the price is too high and want to ask bout the Cherating trip. When I got the info, I told them better to make the decision fast as I'm scared it'll be fully booked but still we need to wait until Friday, the day when we have our tutorial class.

Today, our tutorial class ended very early but all of them was busy doing the exercise. Ok, no problem. So I waited. Then, most of them finished the exercise but still some of them have questions to ask. So I waited until everyone's absolutely free and there was just 30 minutes left. Then the sir has to ask those questions and my friend has to answer his questions and provide those useless explanation to him. I mean, he's not even going for the trip, why does he want to know about those tiniest details?

When it's time to make decision, I'm really frustrated. One of them said she's still not sure whether she can make it or not and her other two friends say they'll go if she goes. I mean, all of us are friends, so why can't they go when that one particular friend of them will not go? It's not like they do not know us.

Then, fine. Everything's over and I called my mum to ask her to book the resort on 7-9 May. She said ok. Not long after I reached home, my mum called me and said that the resort is fully booked for weekends until June. So, I asked my mum to ask whether there's any rooms available for weekdays.

I had to send sms to the group leaders to tell them that there may be a problem with the date. Later, my mum said ok, there are rooms available on 11-13 and she had already booked that date. Then, I talked to another friend of mine and she said it's not very convenient for those who actually do not live in KL because they need to come back to KL on Sunday, which is the Mother's Day.

Then, I tried to ask my mother to change the date. Finally, the date has been changed to 12-14. Then I had to sms back all those people and tell them that the date has been changed and ask them to confirm with me on Mon. Some of them even had the nerve not to reply me. I was already very frustrated with the whole thing and not receiving reply from them just made me furious.

I was thinking why am I trying so hard to so-called 'organising' this trip when it's obvious that they (some of them, anyway) don't really care about this trip. Why should I try so hard and be a busy body? Maybe it's just better to mimic some of them. Sitting around doing nothing and when someone presents his or her idea, just ask some questions and criticises them. It's a lot easier than what I'm doing now. Not that they'll appreciate my efforts also.

Couldn't let it go...

It's been three days. I took an hour since I knew about Janice's accident to stop crying. Even then, my mood was still very bad. It's the first time that I remember crying till my eyes got swollen. And unlucky for me, the next day after I knew about that incident, I still had to go for class and I couldn't break down there.

On friday, during my tamadun islam class, I felt like God is playing me. I was trying very hard not to cry and the tutor had to talk about the painful process of dying which reminded me of Janice. At last, I couldn't hide my feelings anymore and I went to talk to Poi Kuan and cried a bit.

After class, I tried to forget the whole thing and be cheerful again. When I reached home, my father told me there was a report about Janice's accident in the newspaper and all my thought to stay happy just vanished.

This morning, my mood was okay. I thought I could put this incident behind me. I even went to the MPH Stock Clearance to stock up on books. When I reached home and had nothing to do, I went online. And when I was online, I just couldn't resist going to Janice's friendster profile. The last time I went to her profile, I saw some people leaving RIP messages there.

This time, I saw Tsen and Cho's comment and it just made me sad again. Everytime I thought I could put this incident behind me, I would realise that actually that's impossible because everything I see now reminds me of her. Maybe it has just became a part of me. I couldn't get rid of those memories and I couldn't just forget her like she never existed in my life (not that I want to).

I'm sure I could be happy again in the future but I would never ever forget this wonderful friend that I once had. The saying that you'll never know what you have until you lost it is absolutely true. There are a lot of regrets in me now and I wished things had been different. Now that she's gone, I know I couldn't go back to being who I was.

Now that I see Cho online, I wanted to console her, to comfort her but I couldn't even do that. This is because I am suffering too. I had never been good at words and comforting other people too. I know she's a thousand times sadder than me because Janice was her best friend while I had drifted apart from her. I really really want to console her but I couldn't find the words. I really really want to know how Janice's funeral went, how did the accident happen, did she suffer a lot but I couldn't bring myself to ask her all those questions.

RIP, Janice...

Janice... one of my closest friends in primary school just passed away today. She was involved in an accident in Ipoh. I heard this news from another friend of mine, Cho about half an hour ago. I was very very shocked when I knew this. This is just too sudden. I managed to call Loke and all she could say is "oh, my god, oh, my god". I was very calm (I felt sad but I didn't cry) when I heard the news. But when I broke the news to Loke, I just broke down. Even though for now i'm not very close to Janice anymore, still it broke my heart. This is the first time my best friend passed away. Her funeral will be held tomorrow morning in Ipoh and I couldn't attend because I still have class tomorrow and I don't have the transportation. Some of my friends are going to Ipoh tonight for her funeral.

Now that all of these had happened, I regretted for losing contact with her. After we went to separate secondary school, we just drifted apart. I still remember there was once (around Form 1 or 2), she and Cho came to my house during the school holiday to give me a surprise visit. Now that I think about it, she actually had tried to keep in touch with me but I was just too busy. Why didn't I try to organise some outings with her? Why didn't I call her just to chat when I was free? Why didn't I chat with her through msn messenger everytime I see her online? I didn't even wish her happy birthday this year (Her bday was earlier this month). Now that she had left us, only I realised all these things that I had not done with her. All that I had left of her is just those memories.

REST IN PEACE, JANICE. We will always miss you.