Terrible person...

Well, actually I'm a person with very very low self esteem and it's very easy for me to feel guilty over the smallest thing. I'm not really good at anything. I admit I'm not that bad in my studies but I do put in effort and there are a lot of people out there who are better than me. I'm not good at sports. No matter what type of sports. Ping pong, tennis, basketball, swimming, bowling, everything.

I'm not sociable. Actually, I'm quite anti-social. If I were to go out with 2 or 3 of my close friends, I'll really enjoy it. I'll join in the conversation, I'll gossip around, I'll complain a bit about my current life. However, now I don't really have the chance to go out with them anymore. We've lost contact. If I were to go out with more than 3 friends, then you could find me brooding at a corner, daydreaming. I wouldn't enjoy myself. I do not like things that normal teenage girls like. Shopping. The only time I enjoyed shopping with my friend was when I was in Form 5 and went out with Kai Li.

I am the type of person who couldn't keep anything inside me. If I am happy, I'll share it with my friends. If I am angry, I'll complain to my friends. And yet, I found myself always be the one complaining. Others never complain to me and it made me feel bad. Why do I have to complain about every single thing that I'm not satisfied with? And yet, I couldn't change myself. I couldn't stop complaining.

It's very easy to make me feel guilty. I'll feel guilty if I do not contribute much to our group assignments, I'll feel guilty if I mistreat other people. This happens very often in my life especially in college. I always feel very bad afterwards if I treated someone I don't like badly. But at that particular moment, that person really irritates me so much that I wouldn't care.

I don't really care or think about the feelings of other people especially those that I do not really think of as a good friend. Once I really dislike even a single thing about that person, then after that I'll really hate every single thing he or she does. When other people do that, I'll be totally fine. But if it's the person I dislike, then I'll be very irritated and it'll be shown on my face. I couldn't keep a poker face. It's very easy to tell what mood I'm in since it's almost always written on my face.

Sometimes, I envy people like Ee Ann for being so perfect. Nice, sociable, good in studies, friendly, has leadership quality, knowledgeable, good in almost everything she does. Why can't I be like that? I guess I'm just who I am. I couldn't change myself no matter how hard I try. Maybe it's fated that in my whole life, I wouldn't be able to be nice to other people.