Couldn't let it go...

It's been three days. I took an hour since I knew about Janice's accident to stop crying. Even then, my mood was still very bad. It's the first time that I remember crying till my eyes got swollen. And unlucky for me, the next day after I knew about that incident, I still had to go for class and I couldn't break down there.

On friday, during my tamadun islam class, I felt like God is playing me. I was trying very hard not to cry and the tutor had to talk about the painful process of dying which reminded me of Janice. At last, I couldn't hide my feelings anymore and I went to talk to Poi Kuan and cried a bit.

After class, I tried to forget the whole thing and be cheerful again. When I reached home, my father told me there was a report about Janice's accident in the newspaper and all my thought to stay happy just vanished.

This morning, my mood was okay. I thought I could put this incident behind me. I even went to the MPH Stock Clearance to stock up on books. When I reached home and had nothing to do, I went online. And when I was online, I just couldn't resist going to Janice's friendster profile. The last time I went to her profile, I saw some people leaving RIP messages there.

This time, I saw Tsen and Cho's comment and it just made me sad again. Everytime I thought I could put this incident behind me, I would realise that actually that's impossible because everything I see now reminds me of her. Maybe it has just became a part of me. I couldn't get rid of those memories and I couldn't just forget her like she never existed in my life (not that I want to).

I'm sure I could be happy again in the future but I would never ever forget this wonderful friend that I once had. The saying that you'll never know what you have until you lost it is absolutely true. There are a lot of regrets in me now and I wished things had been different. Now that she's gone, I know I couldn't go back to being who I was.

Now that I see Cho online, I wanted to console her, to comfort her but I couldn't even do that. This is because I am suffering too. I had never been good at words and comforting other people too. I know she's a thousand times sadder than me because Janice was her best friend while I had drifted apart from her. I really really want to console her but I couldn't find the words. I really really want to know how Janice's funeral went, how did the accident happen, did she suffer a lot but I couldn't bring myself to ask her all those questions.